UPDATED: Ah, the Super Bowl. As an official Boomer geezer I can remember the very first few, though I was but a child. Including when "Broadway Joe" Namath led the upstart AFL's New York Jets to victory over the NFL's Baltimore Colts in, lemme see, Super Bowl III, circa 1969. And as a young man living in Chicago, how could I forget my then-beloved Bears romping past the New England Patriots in the January 1986 Super Bowl, 44-10, thanks to punky QB Jim McMahon, fleet but butter-fingered wide receiver Willie Gault, and double-wide defensive lineman cum running back William "Refrigerator" Perry? Those '85 Bears: what a team. And ex-Bears tight end Mike Ditka of Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, what a coach. Often endearingly cranky with the press, and a wonderful Grade B philosopher who began roughly every other sentence with the phrase, "In Life...." I'm still sorry he didn't run for U.S. Senate.

Well anyway, like the heartbreaking Cubs in the 2003 N.L. championship series against the Florida Marlins, the Bears really stunk up the joint yesterday. How they got so far with a tepid quarterback such as Rex Grossman says a whole lot about the rest of their team. But the Super Bowl TV commercials weren't all bad. This truncated AP round-up isn't much use, truth be told; but this Seattle Times compendium is much better. Here's the YouTube rundown.

Still: who can really zero in on the best of the best like your very own Man From Mars?

The following Super Bowl 41 ads struck me as most notable. I'm leaving out a lot of the ones that I thought tried too hard, or were plain trite. Plus, I take issue with some that made the cut.

Bud Light Diversity: A quite multi-hued English As A Second Language class learns how to ask for a Bud Light in various ethnic dialects. Such as East L.A.: "Yo, Homes...you got a Bud Light, man?" But if asked for a Bud Light, class members are taught to reply "No Speak English." How'd this get past the thought police? Maybe we're all a bit more tolerant of ethnic humor than we're supposed to be? Cut to the end: a very dark-skinnned Asian guy is holding a can of Bud Light, and being instructed by a compadre on how to pronounce "Bud Light." Four or five times in, he still botches it every time. Who's writing these bits anyway? Ex-College Republicans? Corrective legislation seems necessary.

Coke "Grand Theft Auto" Gone Good: Animated hero traverses gritty, dysfunctional cityscape, silently dispensing social justice and mad love at breakneck pace while drinking Coke. Great spot, great anthemic ending. But in the end: it's still about fizzy sugar water. Ick!

Bud Light - A Dog's Life: A white dog eyes a butcher shop window, and is shooed away. Then he's barked at by a nasty Rottweiler. He sees a Dalmation on a Clydesdale-drawn wagon at the head of a parade enjoying the adulation of the crowd, sparking envy. He's splashed with dirty water by a speeding vehicle, leaving Dalmation spots on his fur. He eyes himself in a store window and mutters, "Hmmmmn." Then he ambles over to the parade and hops aboard lead wagon opposite the Dalmation, winks at same, and smartly basks in the love of the cheering throng. On the soundtrack, Dean Martin comes in with, "Ain't That A KIck In The Head." Nice. Never mind - for just a moment at least - that Bud Light is a bland and watery affront to the essence of beer.

Doritos = Sex: A grotty 70s-vintage fellow with a thick mustache comes to a grocery store checkout counter, placing four different-flavored bags of Doritos on the conveyor belt, sequentially. A dark-haired, heavyset female cashier offers thoughtfully salacious commentary on each of his choices. You are what you aim to munch, apparently. With the temperature heating up, chips somehow end up strewn about; checker-gal has to exhale and straighten her glasses before soldiering on.

Chevy HHR Lady Sex Bomb: Some very foxy gals of color in a vehicle described as a Chevy HHR are swarmed at a stop light. Inspired by the Mad Sex Appeal of said vehicle, all of the guys - young and way too old - are stripped down to their skivvies, gyrating around the ride and buffing the windshields with their squeegees. Where's Rudy Giuliani when you need him? Tagline: "Guys Can't Keep Their Hands Off It." Just ill, mon.

General Motors Quality Assurance: A beak-faced assembly-line robot drops a part and has a horrid vision of getting fired, being forced to work minimum wage jobs, and finally jumping to his death off a bridge. He flashes back to reality in the stock-still GM plant as co-workers stare, and an announcer intones, "The GM 100,000-mile warranty has everyone at GM obsessed with quality." If only. GM's ongoing quality issues continue to haunt them. GM lost me in the 1970s, as I saw my Dad's Olds 88 disintegrate. They lost me again in the 1990s, as his Buick went to pieces. I'm a Honda guy, tried and true.

Fed Ex On The Moon: A manager gives a tour of a Moon space station office, with several employees in tow. Workers are floating free, papers and coffee too. Someone asks: how will we get our goods to customers? The office bunch is out on surface of moon by this point. The boss turns to "Fred" for an answer. Why, Fed Ex, of course, he replies. A Fed Ex space shuttle then awesomely swoops down to the surface for a freight pickup. A fellow gives Fred a hearty slap on the back, and Fred floats into space, murmuring appreciatively at the view. He's then quickly zapped into nothingness by a red bolt of light. A nice nihilist touch.

Emerald Mixed Nuts Mental Alert: Some say that around 3 p.m., when your blood sugar is low, washed-up 70s Vegas lounge singer Robert Goulet appears, wreaking havoc in the office. Cut to Goulet in office, shredding documents, and trashing desks and computers as sapped late-afternoon cubicle dwellers snooze. Goulet creeps up on the one standing survivor, in his office, hyper-alert and on guard, snarfing Emerald Mixed Nuts. Goulet slinks away upside down on adjacent ceiling in frustration. Nuts are an excellent source of energy, actually.

All in all, the ads proved better than the game.

TECHNORATI TAGS: SUPER BOWL, ADS, FED EX, GM, CHEVY, DORITOS, COKE, BUD LIGHT

Posted by Matt Rosenberg at February 5, 2007 11:59 PM

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