Take these pearls one at a time.

When two of three clerks in the herbal apothecary are sniffling and coughing, something's off. Perhaps they're not getting enough vitamins.

Seattle coffeehouse denizens cocoon themselves with iPods, cell phones and laptops; speaking only to the barista, with whom they exchange banal intimacies and then reward with a tip for adding steamed milk to espresso. They are fully evolved moderns.

"Excuse me," loudly called the peeved and haggard, booze-reeking, sixty-something woman at 12:30 p.m. on the Number 22 bus today, to the driver. "Where's the movie theater?" He did not answer. Helpful Seattle-ites clarified there were a number of theaters, all back the other way. One man began to elaborate on the charms of a particular multiplex. My question - unasked - was, "Is there a particular movie you want to see? And if not, how have you arrived at needing to sleep in a movie theater in the middle of the day (apart from just getting snockered, that is)?" Her plans changed suddenly, as she got off to take another bus up First Hill. There are no movie theaters there, but plenty of hospital emergency rooms. Downtown is the "free ride zone" in more ways than one.

Avocado-related fraud is shameful, to be sure. Guacamole really should have avocados in it. There is a way to make sure of that, too - but it does not involve filing a lawsuit, in my estimation.

If you are going to smoke crack cocaine and get naked near the water, it is imperative that there be no alligators in said water.

"Rights" now extend to the creation of an outside commission to pick who makes the girls basketball team, at least for one bunch of insufferable San Francisco parents including - surprise, surprise - the wife of a judge. Oh, and none of the kids of the complainants made the team anyway. Surely, an appeal to higher authorities is imminent.

Always breathe deeply and slowly, through your nose, and remember that often, the less said, the better. (That last part only counts sometimes, if you blog).

Any lemon you flatter with purchase should have a thin skin, and be somewhat malleable to the touch.

TECHNORATI TAGS: SEATTLE, ALCOHOL, COFFEEHOUSES, CRACK COCAINE, FLORIDA, LEMONS, SAN FRANCISCO, BASKETBALL

Posted by Matt Rosenberg at December 1, 2006 02:30 PM