The iguana vasectomies never panned out, nor yet, anyway, the iguana bounty hunters.

The story, unverifiable but quite likely true, is that some years back a local who'd been given two small pet iguanas had to move away, and so set them loose. And the rest is Southwest Florida history. The population of spiny-tailed iguanas has grown from an estimated 2,000 just two years ago to about 10,000 now on Gasparilla Island in Lee County, Florida, north of Fort Myers. The barrier isle includes the charming little town of Boca Grande, known for great tarpon fishing, and now for the local iguanas, who grow to as long as three or four feet, and can be seen lounging outside the South Beach Bar & Grill, umbrella drinks and plates of shredded dinosaur kale at their sides.

They burrow in sand, crawl spaces and attics, scale roofs from trees, chew through insulation and breed like minks - er, starlings. They also chomp up vegetation, harm sand dunes and the gopher tortise. Some local schoolkids are feeling pacifist towards the iguanas; but others are not:

Four students advocated complete iguana removal and/or extermination. Alex Horan, a fifth-grader, wrote: "I think we should kill the iguanas. At our house, we trap iguanas in a cage and then shoot them. In the case, we put hydrangeas to attract them. We should kill the iguanas because they are just nasty, creepy, sick and fat. They crawl through people's toilets. They make nests in people's cellars....." Reed Sligar, 10, described his change in heart on the iguana issue. He wrote: "I think we should get rid of the iguanas because they eat my mom's beautiful flowers. I used to like the iguanas, but now they are starting to become a pain."

The grown-ups are also restless about marauding iguanas. So Lee County's District 1 Commissioner Bob Janes, who has quite the business and public sector resume, got to thinking. But, with all due respect, maybe not quite hard enough. Commissioner Janes proposed that the town's street light district become the steet light and iguana taxing district. Yes: that's right folks: Boca Grande is now looking smack dab right at....an iguana tax. The district's 1,538 residents would pay something like $1 a year for initial planning on iguana eradication, Janes has proposed. If that passes muster, it had better be some awfully cost-effective planning, with a real revenue mechanism identified.

Two years ago, when the island's iguana population was about 2,000, the county estimated it would take $100,000 to $200,000 to get rid of the iguanas. With local iguanas now about five times more numerous, well, you do the math. County commissioners will discuss the proposed iguana tax further, at a management planning meeting Feb. 6.

However, Boca Grande may manage to avoid an iguana tax. There's now to be a survey, and if residents reject the iguana tax, the county will pay for iguana control. But everyone would be well advised to closely examine the county's final plans. I'm thinking maybe they can at least round up all the iguanas, and put 'em in a newly-built theme park built by some visionary entrepreneur who's doubtless waiting in the wings. That'd be really Floridian, wouldn't it? Train 'em to do tricks, pull little carrriages, wear costumes, stage protests with the ACLU for amphibian rights, the whole deal. Feed 'em well, build little iguana condos; charge $20 a head for adult visitors, $10 for kids; and - here's the real kicker - develop a global brand involving iguana paraphernalia, iguana-themed movies, cartoons, cereal and online gaming. Purchasing naming rights for a pro sports franchise is another obvious move. Should be no trouble at all forming an investment partnership for the whole thing.

Carl Hiaasen would come for a visit, dream up a few additional story elements to weave around the iguana theme-park motif, and there'd be his next picaresque, Florida-set million-seller, with a share of the profits funneled to non-profit iguana advocacy. Let's see, Carl: maybe a philandering congressman, a sleazy lobbyist, a biotech firm with ties to the White House and al Qaeda, and a secret project - with dark geopolitical implications - involving development of an urgently-needed iguana contraceptive. Of course there'd be the requisite, earnest-but-obscure local newspaper reporter, doggedly putting all the pieces together; and the reporter's love interest who's not very sexy when first sighted, but turns out to be a real hottie.

For starters, though, I see an iguana policy for all affected Florida locales, involving a GPS iguana census; a public-private partnership for iguana culling and capture; enforced captivity for all surviving iguanas; and carefully-calibrated iguana farming.

There'd be an economic feasibility study funded by the state and federal agriculture departments on iguana meat processing for the urban South and Central American, Mexican, and U.S. "green" markets. For our south of the border friends: No more chasing around the rainforest, where iguanas are increasingly scarce. Get your imported iguana meat at the supermercado, and get right back to your TiVo. For the "politics of personal virtue" crowd in the U.S., The Global Ideas Bank says iguana is politically correct and tasty, like chicken. Melissa Kaplan, author of "Iguanas For Dummies," says iguana is not only a scrumptious indigenous dish, but that its greater cultivation will help save the rainforests. More here: the basic idea is that iguana farming means not only commercially-available iguana meat, but also the reintroduction of some of the raised-in-captivity iguanas to rainforests, where their presence will help preserve the natural habitat in which they thrive.

As part of the compelling "green commerce" paradigm involving farmed iguanas, Kaplan sees a future for smoked iguana, iguana jerky and iguana sausage. Here are recipes for iguana soup, and iguana stew. Here's another one for iguana stew. I'm thinking iguana jerky and smoked iguana in vacu-paks, to address the perishability issue.

The farming and culinary processing component is central, as it allows Boca Grande's iguana population management program to pay for itself, and perhaps then some. The Boca Grande operation also serves as a training ground for the rural capitalists of South and Central America, who learn how to finance and develop their own sustainable iguana farms; enriching indigenous peoples, helping preserve crucial rainforest habitat, and hastening a new era of economic and political cooperation between the two continents.

Sounds like a slam-dunk to me.

Your thoughts?

TECHNORATI TAGS: BOCA GRANDE, IGUANA TAX, IGUANA FARMING, IGUANA RECIPES, FORT MEYERS, LEE COUNTY