"Makes Kinky Friedman look like a mainstream candidate," sez my friend Michael Brandon McClellan in an e-mail tipping me to a guy called the Impaler, who's running for Governor of Minnesota. Sure enough.

Take a gander at Jonathon (The Impaler) Sharkey, who will launch his gubernatorial campaign in Princeton, Minn., on Friday the 13th as a "satanic dark priest" and the leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party." Since there's nothing but a $300 filing fee to stop anyone from running for statewide office, campaigns in Minnesota typically attract colorful and eccentric characters looking for attention.

And of course, former Gov. Jesse Ventura broke the mold and got elected. But Minnesota may never have seen a more outside-the-box politician than the Impaler, also a former pro wrestler. For starters, he describes himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor (at this time in my life, it is my wife, Julie), and drink their blood," he said in an e-mail.

...Sharkey's religious convictions also might be described as well removed from the middle of the road. Call it compassionate Satanism. "On a whole, those who worship Lucifer are no more evil than those who worship other gods," he says on his website. Although he calls the "Christian God the Father" his "mortal enemy," Sharkey said he has nothing against Jesus Christ or his followers. But he thinks God the Father was a poor parent for allowing his son to be crucified. Sharkey, 41, is receiving veterans' disability benefits because of a severe injury in the Army in 1982.

He's actually got a decent Web site, and his platform is a fairly cohesive stew of simmered populist cheap meat. His political resume is all over the map, literally. He was a New Jersey Republican, a Reform party member, and tried to seek elected office in Indiana and Florida, before heading north to the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Sharkey promises that nothing, not even winning this contest, will stop him from running for President in '08. That's a relief, even if - as the preceeding link indicates - he's a delusional paranoiac. What really stands out, though, is his brand-dynamic "impale the criminals and terrorists" plank.

As The Impaler campaigns around the good state of Minnesota, I'd suggest different colored capes (black-only is just too downbeat) coordinated with the issuance of matching, alternately-hued position papers. Now, Jonathon, you get some of my trademark, high-priced communications consulting for free; because it's your lucky day. The Ventua experience is still fresh in the minds of Minnesotans; he campaigned as an admittedly colorful outsider with a civic streak, but once elected, turned out to be a total flake with anger management problems. You should get out in front of similar doubts bound to hinder your campaign's success, by playing up your collaborative, team-building side. Choosing the right meds would be a good start.

TECHNORATI TAGS: IMPALER, SATANIST, MINNESOTA, GOVERNOR

Posted by Matt Rosenberg at January 12, 2006 12:26 PM