Some admonitions.

Door-to-door solicitors: When I peer through the peephole and say, "Yes?" don't just reply with "Hello," and fall silent. You're not so dynamic and exciting, and I'm not so lonely and stupid, that I'm going to open the door for you based on that. OK? State your business right off, so I can reply, "No, thanks," and you can be on your way. And don't ever start your pitch by telling me you're in some kind of contest, such as "to meet 1,000 people in a week." I don't give a Rat's Ass about your contest. Try something like this instead. "I'm hoping you're dopey enough to buy several magazine subscriptions you don't really need or want, on the spur of the moment." At least you'll get points for honesty.

Lame-brained Seattle drivers: don't cut corners around blind turns in residential neighborhoods. You're going right into the oncoming lane, and asking for a head-on collision one of these days. That goes for the mope in the sports car this afternoon, who flashed me a s***-eating grin, and the taxi driver who brought our family back from Sea-Tac Airport recently.

Restaurant managers: make sure tables are cleared promptly after patrons leave. Nothing looks slacker, in a restaurant, than a pile of dirty dishes sitting, and sitting, on a table.

Transportation Security Agency: cut the PC crap. Do you really need to be making 60-year-old white guys take off their shoes at the airport?

Parents letting their kids use hand-held gaming devices anywhere, anytime, but especially in restaurants, or on airplanes: You're doing a ROTTEN job.

R-O-T-T-E-N.

William Burroughs has some of his own admonitions and advice (raw language advisory).

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Brendan Vaughn: "The key word there is blind. Cutting those corners is legal - but only with a safe visibility. One thing which can help this situation would be the city enforcing the law, specifically with respect to parking too close to intersections. I personally get very annoyed with the number of parking infractions I see each day - but the tradeoff would be having nowhere to park if people were required to park illegally. I benefit from idiots breaking the law. :)"

Posted by Matt Rosenberg at August 4, 2005 06:49 PM